How to be a Bridesloth (A Dummy's Guide to a Scrappy Wedding)

If you are like me, you grew up believing that your life was going to play out like some Garry Marshall romantic comedy where you end up happily ever after with Benny Rodriguez from The Sandlot

His proposal was going to involve some Parisian escapade (thank you, Sex and the City) and your engagement would be a wonderland of cake tastings and multi-city bridal showers with Franck Egglehoffer tending to your every whim. You imagine being whisked from store to store, showered in jewels and tulle and lavender spritz. "Yes" to this, "no" to that, "more sparkle, less pouf" are things you actually envision yourself saying to eager shopgirls. You spend nights overwhelmed by champagne toasts and mulling over which Egyptian cotton sheets to register for or which semi-private Indonesian island you will spend your honeymoon.

Um, yeah. So, it's not going to happen like that. Or maybe it will. In which case you can stop here. Pass "Go" and collect $200 because your life is fabulous.

I got married a few weeks ago. That's weird, right? Because, apparently, now that means I have a husband. I really don't like that word because it translates to "sad man wearing thickly-striped polo shirts being dragged to antique stores on Saturdays," or worse, "pudgy man shouting meatloaf orders from his La-Z-boy recliner on Sundays." Either way, I've got one. And it's weird.

What's even weirder is that we planned our wedding in a month. Surprisingly, it was pretty easy and I would recommend it to anyone who suffers from extended family drama, credit card debt, and general laziness. One can very simply become a bridesloth like me. Here's how:

Stop giving a shit.

Reality check: your wedding will probably be the best wedding YOU go to. It won’t be the best wedding anyone else goes to. Because theirs will be the best wedding they go to. Best case scenario it's a crazy fun and funny time that your guests will probably confuse with everyone else's wedding when recalling it years (or probably months) from now. So stop trying so hard to impress everyone.

Get the f*** off Pinterest.

Believe it or not, sometime in the not so distant past, people actually got married because they loved each other (or so I'm told. I actually have no idea. I'm just in it for the life insurance). Not because it was their lifelong dream to be featured on a bridal blog.

And you know what? No one remembers your wedding favors. They sucked. You know what's worse than all of those mini handmade picture frames? The fact that you spent so much time brandishing a hot glue gun in your air condition-less apartment and shopping for just the right color of glitter. Because you could've at least been watching Game of Thrones. Or judging a BBQ competition.

Be realistic. Yes, I'm looking at you.

You aren't going to SAYYESTOTHEDRESS. It's a dress. You are going to hate it in five years. Because you hate every dress you had five years ago. And guess what? Your daughter is going to hate it, too. Because her dress will be made by a 3-D printer.

Stop being such a cheapwad.

Your friends and family do not want to spend the next seven to ten months of their lives licking stamps and hand-painting table numbers for your pending nuptials. In fact, most of them are betting serious sums of money that your relationship won't see the expiration date on all of the disposable cameras you will have left over from the reception. Volunteering them to spend Saturdays DIY-ing your shitty fairytale is NOT going to save you money. It's only going to earn you a place next to the bride who makes her guests go on a vegan cleanse in Bridezilla Hall of Fame.


A wise woman once told me, "Weddings are stupid. They are just an excuse to get drunk in a big white dress." But she made a beautiful and crafty bride. And her wedding with ten thousand origami paper stars was just as fantastic as mine. So what's a betrothed to do? Do what feels right and nothing less. Also, dessert. 

(A version of this post originally appeared on Wistia's blog on 8.2.13)